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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Legacy of the Laundry Ninja

I am a Laundry Ninja.  I really am.  I've developed my Laundry Ninja skills through years of practice.  Being a Laundry Ninja takes time and effort.  There are rigorous tests one must go through to become qualified enough to be one with the Order of the Folded Shirt.

The trials begin at an early age with a test of strength.  Long before the convenience of technology, a.k.a the dryer, there was "THE LINE".  At roughly 6 feet in height and 25+ feet in length, this deadly piece of wire (or rope) taught young Ninjas the art of jumping and dodging.  The goal was easy enough; to successfully hang the clothes on the line.  The premise, while simple at first glance, offered numerous dangers for the inexperienced student. To begin with there were the "clothes pins of a thousand pinched fingers".  Small wooden daggers with a spring loaded clip.  Not only could these weapons splinter, but the snap back effect could take off a finger nail in a heartbeat.
They also made for cool earrings and elastic-fired projectiles

  Along with the daggers, young ninjas in training had to be extra vigilant to avoid "The Wheel".  This metal monstrosity had the ability to snag clothing, pinch flesh and crack skulls (if one should choose to not pay close enough attention to their surroundings). 

I still quiver in fear

The last danger they had to face was the "1000 Ton Laundry Basket Haul".  Never truly satisfied until the deed was complete, many Ninja Masters (my Mom) would make the young student carry completed loads miles and miles (across the backyard) up mountainous terrain ("Take the clothes to your room and put them away") while avoiding deadly trips and perils ("Don't step on the cat or trip on your toys").  Stronger of body, the young Ninja would become.
If the young Ninja survives these early trials, they would eventually move on to the trials of the mind.  While Ninja Masters would initially teach the students the proper method, eventually they would be tasked with solving the most complex puzzles on their own.  Why do fitted sheets need to get folded if they're just going back on the bed?  Where did the missing sock disappear to? How exactly do you fold a Bra?  Many a Ninja has yielded to these tasks after days of aimless folding and refolding.

Finally, the Ninja moves on to their last test.  The Trial of multi-tasking.  In this last challenge, students would be forced to figure out how to sort white clothes from colours while measuring the proper amount of soap, cleaning out pockets for loose change, lipstick, gum and figuring out just what the hell each setting on the infernal machine known as "The Washer" actually meant.  Too much soap would lead to catastrophic consequences.  Not enough, and the stink of eternal skid marked undies would shame the Ninja for life.

I look back on my trials fondly, as they are what shaped me into the Laundry Ninja I am today.  In a heartbeat, I can sort clothes into piles before the family even knows the clothes are missing.  I can throw folded socks over 1000 feet with the accuracy of a Shuriken.  I can wield shirt hangers like the blade of a Ninjato; slicing through the piles of laundry like the bodies of my enemies.

Now, it is my time to train my Young Ninjas in the art of Laundry; so the Legacy of the Laundry Ninja may live on!
Not Really an Ninja but still likes to pretend

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