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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Horror! THE HORROR! The Green Bin!!!!!!!

I have watched my wife give birth to our son through C-Section.  I have watched my wife give birth to our daughter through "that other area".  I have changed diapers that I firmly believe were worn by Horses rather than children.  I have cleaned urine, feces and vomit from every conceivable nook and cranny known to man, but I have never witnessed anything as terrifying as......THE GREEN BIN.....

The Horror!  THE HORROR!  The Green Bin!!!!!!!

I have seen the face of evil...and it is green.

I had the dubious pleasure of adding the last batch of food/waste to the bin the night before garbage day.  It had been unbelievably hot that week.  A heat dome as they called it (dumbest name ever) was covering like a billion square miles over North America.  So, crazy heat and humidity plus rotting food equals perfect breeding ground for....wait for it......MAGGOTS.  Thousands of them!  On the lid, in the bin, crawling on the handle....The Horror!  THE HORROR!  The Green Bin!!!!!!!

As a grown man, I've thrown up only a handful of times.  Luckily, my iron-clad stomach held it's ground.  Retching averted.  Score one for the Can-eh-dian Kid!

I kinda looked like this
Now, I get that the maggots play an important part in the ecological cycle or circle or whatever, but there's a line.  Opening the Green Bin onto a scene that's straight out of an episode of CSI is enough to turn any man's stomach.  I also understand that by using a Green Bin, I'm supposed to be helping Mother Earth by reducing waste  by approximately "I have no f'ing idea" percent (eat your heart out Al Gore), but I believe I'm being truly counter-productive every time I need to clean it out.  Between the water I use to hose it out, the bleach solution I use to disinfect it and the military air strike I call in to Napalm the surrounding area , I just might be defeating the 'purpose' of the bin.

I'm pretty sure the experts didn't intend for the mantra to be "Reduce, Reuse and Retch", but the Green Bin may be the perfect re branding opportunity.


  1. Great post Cale! This happened to us as well last year (this year we've been more fortunate with having the green bin in the safety of the garage).

    At the old place we had a carport, so it was outside and much more vulnerable to flies. UGH. I remember it vividly - similarly, following a week of extreme humidity I ventured out to add another bag of compost-ables, and as soon as I opened the damned thing thousands of maggots flowed over the lid - turning the green bin into a monstrous green mouth instead of a harmless plastic receptacle.

    Naturally, I ran into the house and called for the boys ... "hey kids! Wanna see something cool?!??!!" ... ummm, yeah, I'm a little evil.

  2. Awesome post! I too have had "The Maggot Experience", but this was back in tha day (pre-green bin), and it was!! Two days' garbage with no AC, and it was absolutely the worst.thing.I've.ever.seen!!